I’ve been going through something lately. I’m not even sure how to describe it. I feel unsatisfied in my current circumstances. I feel like a bad mom because I’m not a stay-at-home-mother that home schools, cooks from scratch, and sews my children clothes. Compared to the mothers I read about I feel miserably below the curve. After I sit at work in front of a computer all day I am tired when I get home. One might think sitting all day would not result in tiredness, and I must agree for it does baffle my mind. I would think upon coming home that I would want to move about and be active but all I really want to do is sleep.
I’m not happy about this. I like the idea of cooking for my kids, and I like the idea of taking walks, yard work, crafty projects. I really like those ideas but I can never make them stick in my actual life. I love the idea of getting up at 5:30 or 6:00 am to start my day with God. It sounds so nice. When it comes down to it … I like my bed more. I hit snooze for as long as possible.
I’m well aware of my problem. I am lazy; I am idle. These are not good things and I do not feel good at all about sharing them. But, I struggle so much with combating them. Laziness and idleness are NOT excusable, but really I am tired. And I am lonely. I still feel as though my life is just waiting to be started in Virginia (for new readers, my boyfriend and his amazing church are in Virginia). I don’t have friends here. I especially don’t have Christian friends. Yes, I do have a church that I started attending recently but it doesn’t feel like home like the church in Virginia does. Okay … I think I’m on a tangent here.
I’ve become painfully aware that I seem to be void of self-discipline. I’ve tried to make it work, I’ve tried to be purposeful and not lazy but … I seem to fail after a day or so. My life just feels like a failure. I feel like I am waiting to live … waiting for marriage to start my life. And I can’t do that, but it’s been a constant struggle of mine. Since my divorce I’ve been in limbo. I don’t belong here … my desire is to be a good mother and wife but if I can’t even balance my life now how will I ever?