Lazy & Idle

I’ve been going through something lately. I’m not even sure how to describe it. I feel unsatisfied in my current circumstances. I feel like a bad mom because I’m not a stay-at-home-mother that home schools, cooks from scratch, and sews my children clothes. Compared to the mothers I read about I feel miserably below the curve. After I sit at work in front of a computer all day I am tired when I get home. One might think sitting all day would not result in tiredness, and I must agree for it does baffle my mind. I would think upon coming home that I would want to move about and be active but all I really want to do is sleep.

I’m not happy about this. I like the idea of cooking for my kids, and I like the idea of taking walks, yard work, crafty projects. I really like those ideas but I can never make them stick in my actual life. I love the idea of getting up at 5:30 or 6:00 am to start my day with God. It sounds so nice. When it comes down to it … I like my bed more. I hit snooze for as long as possible.

I’m well aware of my problem. I am lazy; I am idle. These are not good things and I do not feel good at all about sharing them. But, I struggle so much with combating them. Laziness and idleness are NOT excusable, but really I am tired. And I am lonely. I still feel as though my life is just waiting to be started in Virginia (for new readers, my boyfriend and his amazing church are in Virginia). I don’t have friends here. I especially don’t have Christian friends. Yes, I do have a church that I started attending recently but it doesn’t feel like home like the church in Virginia does. Okay … I think I’m on a tangent here.

I’ve become painfully aware that I seem to be void of self-discipline. I’ve tried to make it work, I’ve tried to be purposeful and not lazy but … I seem to fail after a day or so. My life just feels like a failure. I feel like I am waiting to live … waiting for marriage to start my life. And I can’t do that, but it’s been a constant struggle of mine. Since my divorce I’ve been in limbo. I don’t belong here … my desire is to be a good mother and wife but if I can’t even balance my life now how will I ever?


3 thoughts on “Lazy & Idle

  1. HA! I don't cook from scratch either or sew my kids clothes. Did I wish I could? Yes,but not bad enough or I would learn. You are providing for your family,Hollie. I commend you for working and homeschooling your girls. Most would send them to public school b/c it would be easier. And I think a lot of us think that before we marry. I'm glad you recognize these things. Oh I fail day after day too. But keep striving! God did not ask for a perfect life(He knows we cannot be perfect),but we can strive for it. An obedient and repentant heart is what God wants. Look at David! He was a murderer and adulterer! BUT he was repentant and aimed to please God. It's hard for me sometimes to grasp that. I think I have to do everything so perfectly as a Mom,but I don't. I will mess up. I am human,but seeing a problem and seeking help from the Lord is necessary and looks like you are doing that. *hugs* love you!

  2. Hollie,I hear you. And even though I AM a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom with a good church family, I still feel like I am not succeeding in many of those things you mentioned either. So I cling to the grace of Jesus. You're in a difficult stage of life right now – waiting but active. It's often in those most difficult stages that God does his biggest works in us. The questioning and doubting and seeking can be signs that God is behind the scenes preparing you not only for what's next, but also shaping you now into the woman he wants you to be. All while you wait. Hang in there and try not to compare yourself with others. Everybody and every situation is so different. Be gentle with yourself as you love your kids and do your job for God's glory and love the other people that he puts in your path. I'm encouraged by all you're doing! Blessings,Lisa

  3. Hollie:I've felt this many times. There are so many projects that are catching dust, so many things I would want to do with my daughter, so many ways I could improve our homeschooling, so many books I would like to read. The list goes on and on.I've had to learn to trust God for what He puts on my plate each day and not fret about what is left undone. If it is due to my laziness, then I need to repent and pray for grace and the Holy Spirit's help to discipline myself. But some things are left undone just because there are only 24 hours in a day.Please be encouraged that the Lord will not give you more than you can bear and there is grace for today. God is transforming us into the image of his Son, not the image of Martha Stewart.~Persis

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