And, I still hate being a single mom. Maybe hate isn’t the right word … I feel under-qualified. Sometimes I find myself thinking my kids and myself will only have a “real” family and a “real” life when I am married. It’s almost as if I am simply throwing away the time we have now … this time doesn’t count, it’s not real and not good enough.
I know that’s not a good outlook to have.
Sometimes I just want someone to make decisions with. Someone to say, “Let’s sit down and decide what’s best for OUR kids in situation X.” But no. I don’t get that. I have friends and family that are happy to help, but it’s not the same. For example, I’ve been spending some time lately reviewing home school curricula and wondering if next year I should mix and match instead of going with a box set from Sonlight. All I want is to say, “Hey, what do you think of these programs for our kids?” Or, “I think Sonlight is weak in the Bible teaching, what do you think?” Nope. Doesn’t happen.
I do have a boyfriend. But he’s not my husband. And I don’t think he appreciates me trying to role-play family talks with him … or however you want to look at it. He doesn’t have a family … they are still mine now and I’d probably do good to remember that … instead of pretending we are some odd version of a long-distance family unit.
I suck at this.
But, the truth is this time, here and now … this non-real, half-family time does count. And it is good enough and this whole spending my time wishing I was married and dreaming about that life needs to end. I may very well never be married. Josh or myself could die tomorrow. Circumstance may never work out to where we can get married. He could meet someone else. The relationship could just fail as happens with tons of long-distant relationships.
I need to embrace the mom & dad role I’ve been forced to merge together into one person. I guess I should focus on the present instead of only dreaming of a future that’s never guaranteed.
On the other side of that, I feel bad that I might some day in the distant future be married. I hate that Rylee and any future kids will have a two parent home and Emma will miss out on all that. She will at the very least be ten before I ever marry again. I just feel like I’ve left her with a jaded, crappy childhood and all my other kids will get something better … and she’s done nothing to deserve that. I guess it’s just one of the perks of having me as a mom (heavy sarcasm).